


Tacenda

by fanficparker



Series: Thing 1 & Thing 2 - A Collection of Hollerfield fics [1]
Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Boys Kissing, British, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Hollerfield - Freeform, Kissing, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, TAZ - Freeform, Tarrison, Tom x haz, Torrison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanficparker/pseuds/fanficparker
Summary: Tacenda: Things better left unsaid to be passed on or understood in silence.Harrison looked at Tom’s face. His sleepy tired pretty evil face. He wanted to grab it and punch it. Or do something completely opposite and then die.Read my Hollerfield fics on myWattpad account.
Relationships: Harrison Osterfield/Tom Holland, Tom Holland/Harrison Osterfield
Series: Thing 1 & Thing 2 - A Collection of Hollerfield fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1686478
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Tacenda

**Author's Note:**

> Written in Harrison's POV

There are some things that aren't said but are still not supposed to be done, like forgetting about the night out with your best mate after not seeing each other properly for months. I should have put the date on my calendar but _Nah! I was fucking over-confident_! The director himself asked me that he was flexible with the re-shooting schedule but I, Harrison Osterfield chose this particular day for the re-shoots. _Over-confident bastard, I am._

I didn't count how many times I cursed under my breath when I saw the message notifications from Tom timed three hours ago.

**6 UNREAD MESSAGES FROM TOM.**  
~ _3 hours ago_

 **Tom(8:45pm)**  
>>I m here for an hour?

 **Tom(9:16pm)**  
>>Where r u?

 **Tom(10:04pm)**  
>>R u still going with the plan?

 **Tom(10:10pm** **)**  
>>The food is cold as hell.

 **Tom(10:10pm)**  
>>Although hell is all lava

 **Tom(10:12pm)**  
>>But where r u?

How could I forget about the divs night out? We were both busy with our horribly busy shooting/press tour/photoshoot/meeting etc. schedules. But today was the day we had decided to finally spend a best friends night together, eat something good, visit a good bar _et_ _cetera_ _et_ _cetera._

But I was over-confident about my memory to remember dates. Haha.

I don't think it's smart to reply to those messages right now. Also, I am too tired and worn-out of thinking about any possible excuse. So, I simply drove to my house where we were supposed to meet.

_Hope Tom won't be angry at me._

No.

Tom should be angry at me!

Because when he's not angry with me, he's sad. And definitely sad or upset is the last thing I want him to be, especially me being the reason.

Which friend would like to see his best friend sad, anyway?

I unlocked the door of my house and tip-toed to the living room. I still prayed that Tom would be busy watching YouTube or something and wouldn't realise the time. I am a hopelessly hopeful individual. _Well,_ I didn't coin the word _'Hopelessly hopeful',_ Tom did. He called me that once, couldn't agree with him more though.

I saw him. But he wasn't watching TV or scrolling through his phone. He was fast asleep on the couch. I let out a breath of relief- _At least I don't have to make excuses right now._

I freed myself off my coat and shoes and walked towards the couch where he was lying. My eyes landed on the table to the right. I noticed the take-out boxes stacked on the wood.

_Shit._

Tom didn't even eat dinner. I can't even express how disgusted I am feeling about myself. _Seriously?!_ I had grabbed a quick meal during the work hours but Tom... He was waiting to have dinner with me.

No matter how much I hate making excuses to him, I still can't let him sleep with an empty stomach. It's better Tom gets upset at me, _I deserve that after all._

I walked closer to his sleeping figure. His legs were tangled in the little blanket and the cushions were lying to the floor. Yeah, Tom had a habit of kicking things in sleep. He had kicked me too.

One of Tom's hand was touching the carpet beneath while the other was tucked under his head. His mouth was slightly open and when I concentrated enough, I could hear his soft snores.

He groaned in his sleep and as a reflex action- I averted my gaze from him to the floor. But I noticed him wetting his lips with his tongue in the process.

His lips were badly dried and chapped. He should take more care of them. It's none of my business actually. If Amelia enjoys kissing them who am I to say?

I shook Tom by his shoulder.

"Mmm," He whimpered in his sleep, resisting my attempt to wake him up.

"Get up Tom!" I said calmly and tickled the spot where his jaw met his neck. His body shook in a silent giggle. That spot was his weakness, after all.

"Harrison?" He yawned and slowly opened his eyes.

"Yup. That's me. You haven't eaten," I replied when he tried to sit up.

When he sat up straight his curls fell on his forehead, exactly like a bungee jumping rope.

His curls were the weirdest dilemma of my life. I loved them, he looked great in them. But I also wanted to move my hand through them and get them out of his face.

I clenched my fist at the thought of playing with his hairs.

My whole body shuddered when he touched my chin out of nowhere.

"Did you fall?" He said as his fingers grazed through the little cut on my chin. He was sitting on folded knees on the sofa to reach my standing height.

Does he think the pain of him touching my wound made me shudder?

"Yeah, I fell," I said. I hoped he'll remove his hand from my face but rather he moved his thumb across my jawline. I clenched my fists tighter, my jaws clenched too.

He should stop doing this. He should stop touching me like this. It didn't feel... _Who am I kidding?_ He should stop touching me like this because it felt good. Felt so damn fucking good!!!

_Remove your fingers, Holland or I'll break your hand._

I looked at his face. His sleepy tired pretty evil face. And again I wanted to grab it and punch it. Or do something completely opposite and then die.

His eyes were concentrated on my skin while his fingers were still busy grazing my skin. When the torture was out of limit, I flipped his hand off me and took a step back.

"It's not a big deal. It's a very small cut. You don't have to give it so much attention."

I don't know but I suspect my voice was a bit harsh because his face fell at my words. I heard him sigh.

"Sorry."

The word came out of my mouth abruptly. Tom's face shoots up at my sudden apology.

" _Uh_. For what?" He tilted his head to look directly at me. Before his eyes could meet mine, I looked away. My reflexes are pretty damn good. They know he's dangerous.

"For spoiling our night out. For wasting your time." I stated as a matter of fact and stuffed my hands inside my pockets while swinging along with the balls of my feet.

"No worries. I am free tomorrow." Tom said.

"BUT I AM NOT FREE!"

I-- I yelled at him.

He froze at his spot. I closed my eyes momentarily in a hope that everything was a dream.

The yelling part was not for him. It was for me. I hated myself for missing this day! I wanted to spend time with him! And I don't know when I'll get it next. When he's free, I am busy. When he's busy, I am free. And then there are times when we both were busy and I just missed the day when we both were free. I wanted to throw my hands in the air. But what will it change?

I instead flopped to the sofa right next to him and hide my face in my hands.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's my fault in every direction." I said rubbing my palms on my face.

"I can see you are very tired Harrison. I really don't mind. I also went through this phase and you were there for me so... Look I am right here." Tom snaked his arms around my shoulders taping slightly.

I nodded. Not the best response but now I don't have to worry because _he thinks he understands my agony._

I convinced him to have dinner. I didn't tell him that I did eat something before and joined him regardlessly. And we talked, like friends. Like we always do. Nothing had changed _from the outside._

* * *

I am _unlucky_ enough to get a chance to see him on Harry and Sam's birthday. The twins couldn't find any other day to pop out on earth than the fucking Valentine's Day. I will see the same girls throwing themselves at me who never gave a fuck to me when I was fifteen. And then those questions. I was ready to face all those 'when are you going to show us your girlfriend?' or 'we know you aren't single.' or some more annoying cliché questions or blatant statements or the worst- straight off insults. I knew bullshit when I heard it and I knew how to deal with it.

But still, I don't understand this whole fuss about getting into a relationship. I don't like casual dating. I never tell people not to go on casual dates or to commit to a serious thoughtful relationship or to wait till they actually find an appropriate partner. So why are they telling me what and when I should do these things?

It's not like I am fifty or sitting on a wheelchair or the world is ending. I am not even twenty-five. I have time. I know how to use it more efficiently than getting into a stupid relationship that won't even last for a couple of months.

Nevertheless, the thing I wasn't ready to deal with was to see Tom, _of course_ as I already established. He'll produce himself at the party any time soon with his hands draped around her shoulders. I forgot her name honestly. And I don't care about it.

Speaking of the devil, Thomas Stanley Holland walked right across the door and the first thing he did was wave at me. Like a child waving at an ice-cream truck. There was no Camelia--Amelia (I don't know) with him. He hopped across the hall and reached me. I just saw him doing things rather than giving any response.

"They saved the cake for me, right?" He said suppressing a laugh. Failing miserably though.

"Nah! I had your piece." I wobbled my eyebrows at him teasingly, lifting the mocktail to my lips. But he grabbed my drink and took a sip himself.

"It's not wine..." He said making a face of disgust. I snatched my drink back from his hand and took a huge sip. I basically gulped the liquid and tossed the glass to the side.

"I am trying to lower my alcohol consumption. You should too. And that drink was delicious!" I said wiping the wetness off my lips with the back of my hand.

"I try to but couldn't resist." He admitted. I could see his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat.

"It's difficult, I agree. I loved beer and considered it more important for my survival than water but then---"

Sam jumped in the conversation and I stopped mid-sentence.

"There are two players less in the beer pong. Maybe you guys could join. It's fun." Sam suggested and it seemed like the birthday boy wasn't in the mood of hearing a no. I can tell that he was already tipsy.

But... _Beer pong, seriously?_

Irony. My whole life is an irony.

" _Uh._ We are trying to keep a distance from alcohol."

That was Tom. My head flipped to look at him from Sam. His eyes met mine and I didn't turn my head away. He gave me a small smile. My mouth parted to say something but Sam spoke instead.

"If you divs change your mind, you are most welcome to join us." And then he walked past us. I watched his figure as he left while I all this time I could feel Tom's lingering gaze on my face.

"What? Why are you staring?" I asked looking at him, again.

He shifted his gaze to his shoes but the smile on his face was even bigger. It was almost as if he was blushing.

He didn't answer. So I asked another question, "Where's your girlfriend?"

He let out a chuckle and his head lifted.

"I broke up!" He said but with a smile as his shoes traced an invisible circle on the floor.

I am actually worried about him now. Has he gone mad in the sorrow of his break-up? Although I think they didn't even have any feelings for each other but were just together. _Casual dating._ But Tom never accepts the casual nature of his relationships till they are over.

But he also never giggles after a break-up.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah. Very okay." His smile was still big enough to make his eyes crinkle.

I rolled my head back to stretch my tired body. I realised how long I was standing here. I rested my hands on the empty counter, shutting my eyes to relax. I could feel the little vibrations that Tom's tapping fingers produced on the counter. I felt his hand coming closer to mine. And then his fingers touched my hand. And I jerked it away opening my eyes and looking at him.

He retracted his hand seeing my reaction and looked at his shoes again.

He wants to tell me something. I know him well. But what I also know is that he never hides stuff from me or gets nervous about telling me anything. We are best friends after all. But now? Why is he behaving like this?

My heart crumbled thinking of a thousand possibilities. Was our connection weakening? Was his trust on me shattering?

_But why? What have I done wrong?_

"You should go and join them. You love to play beer pong. No matter how much you suck in that," I suggested, hoping that his mood will change after some fun games and drinks.

"Can we talk in my room?" He asked completely ignoring my suggestion.

"I--uh. Sure." I shrugged looking at him. His expressions were difficult to read in these dim lights, maybe I could see him better in the proper lighting of his room.

He walked past the halls, greeting some people in the path while I followed him quietly. He closed the door of the room after we entered.

I sat on the corner of his bed waiting for him to join. And he joined and sat beside me keeping some distance.

"So... What were you saying?" I asked facing him.

"Nothing. _Just_... " He paused and didn't complete his sentence, instead took in a long breath and released it shortly.

"What? Is everything okay?" I was genuinely worried.

"Can I hold you, Haz?"

He wants to hug me and I want to laugh. Does he need permission to hug me, now? Maybe then he'll tell me that it was our last hug and that we are no more friends. It happens like this, isn't it?

_Goodbye Harrison._

He'll definitely say that. I can sense.

I gulped my saliva and slid closer to him. I loosened my arms.

He didn't take long and wrapped his hands around my body. Tom had hugged me before, a lot of times (although not so often in the last three-four years) but never like this. Like the world was ending and we were drowning in the infinite ocean. His body was stiff at first and then it loosed as he relaxed. I realised that I did exactly the same. As our body relaxed, I tightened the embrace pulling him closer. One of his hand travelled from my back to my neck and he played with the small hairs on the nape of my neck. I felt my body shooting with electricity. I didn't fight with my instincts and surrendered.

I pushed him away.

He stared at me wide-eyed.

_Who the fuck hugs like this?_

He snapped his fingers in front of my face. And I realised that I was lost in my thoughts. But I don't even know what exactly I was thinking?

"What have I done wrong?" Tom asked me in the saddest voice I have ever heard.

I should be the one asking that question!

"Excuse me?" I said wanting him to elaborate.

"You are pushing me away. You are seriously pushing me away every fucking time!" His voice cracked as he spoke. His eyes were way too glossy. I am afraid if he tilts his head a little bit, tears will spill out of them.

And again my heart clenched painfully.

"Are you--are you crying?" My throat felt like as if it was choked of ashes.

He chuckled. But it was more like an irritating chuckle.

And the thing I was afraid of happened right then. Tears fell off his eyes and slid through his cheeks.

I am finally the reason for making him sad to a level that he's crying!

"Nothing matters anymore, Harrison. Nothing matters." He said, shaking his head and wiping off his tears although fresh tears replaced the old stains. He got up.

_Was this his way of saying goodbye? That we are no more friends?_

But I can't let him go like this. No. That's not me.

I grabbed his wrist before he could walk away and stood up myself. I felt much taller today. Maybe because his posture was sunken right now.

"When did I push you away?" I whispered the question.

"Every time, Harrison. I have already answered that."

"That's now how this works," I told him.

My voice was slow and soft while his voice was loud and cracked.

He jerked his hand away from my grip.

He jerked his hand from my grip like I do... Every time.

_Oh._

"You... You? You _ah_..." I stumbled upon my words unable to complete my sentence. He spoke up instead.

"Yes. Yes, Harrison. I am in love with you."

No. That was not something I was saying. I wanted to ask him if he thought that I was trying to end our friendship(the way I thought)- _You think I am trying to end our friendship._

I don't even know why I stumbled that much in saying this little statement.

But I wasn't expecting that response from him.

I stood there frozen. How'll I react to this?

I could see him moving closer to me and his hands were reaching for my face. His thumb touched my lower lips and he tucked it out of my teeth.

"I got my answer. I hope we'll still be friends." A sad smile adorned his face as he said that. I saw him move away from me this time. He unlocked the door, looked at me for a second then looked away and walked out of the room.

As the door clicked shut. I jolted and let my limp body fall on his bed.

_What have I done?_

***

He didn't text or call me that week.

I didn't either.

***

The next week I found myself mindlessly scrolling through hashtag #tomholland

I stopped at a particular picture. It was from high school. I don't even know how these fan-accounts get these pictures.

It was a picture of one of our school plays. We are standing there posing for the group photograph. Tom and I were standing in the middle, together.

It was the only play where Tom and I played the role of each other's love interest. We did some sad romance shit, some happy romance shit and kissed. Not a real kiss. It was a stage kiss, where one of the actors puts his or her thumb between their and the other actor's lips and then both the people kiss the thumb instead of each other's lips and the audience thinks that they are actually kissing each other.

And then for a complete one week, Tom called me 'bro' instead of my own fucking name!!

And then about two years ago after one of our acquaintances jokingly called us boyfriends, Tom literally inserted the same 'bro' in every fucking sentence, Instagram comment, DM, reply, text, phone call, everywhere he had to address me for at least three days.

I have always used the word 'bro' as an alternative for 'mate' or 'friend' but never to brother-zone anyone.

But he literally used it to brother-zone me, MULTIPLE TIMES!

And I...

I got the signal.

And now he's telling me that he's in love with me...

Funny.

Irony.

Satire?

***

Hell. Bloody hell.

 **1 UNREAD MESSAGE FROM TOM.**  
~ 1 min ago

It's been a month we haven't talked to each other at all and now suddenly I received a text from him. And that too at 01:05 am midnight.

My fingers danced inches away from the screen afraid to tap on the message and then regret it for life.

Another notification popped on my home screen.

Now it was- **2** **UNREAD MESSAGES FROM TOM.** ~ 1 sec ago

I clicked on it.

 **Tom(01:05 am)**  
>>Hey

 **Tom(01:06 am)**  
>>Are we on talking terms?

 **Me(01:10am)**  
Hi. <<  
Yeah. <<

_Tom is typing..._

**Tom(01:10am)**  
>>Thank god. I was afraid.

_Tom is typing..._

**Tom(01:10am)**  
>>So whatcha doing?

 **Me(01:11am)**  
Couldn't sleep. Just scrolling through my feed. <<

 **Tom(01:11am)**  
>>Same!

_Tom is typing..._

**Tom(01:12am)**  
>>Thinking of meeting sometime? I will understand if u don't wanna meet but still?

 **Me(01:30am)**  
Can we meet right now? <<

_Tom is typing..._

_Tom is typing..._

_Tom is typing..._

I tossed the phone to the side seeing the text 'Tom is typing' appearing and disappearing multiple times on the screen and closed my eyes. I heard my phone ting. I rolled over to look on the screen again.

 **Tom(01:41am)**  
>>Will be at your place in 10

 **Me(01:42am)**  
>>👍 _(thumbs up emoji)_

Fuck!

I hid my face inside my duvet and waited for him.

What will he say? What will I say?

The doorbell rang. Was it already ten minutes?

I slowly removed the duvet off my body, took my time to get off the bed and walked lazily to the door and stood there, staring at the wood. The doorbell rang again.

It's just Tom. I reminded myself.

I sucked in a breath and opened the door. He was standing right there. _Obviously._

He was wearing a brown t-shirt with some blue trousers and his hairs were perfectly set, unusual for midnight. I am sure that I looked like a mess.

"Can I get in?" He asked smiling politely.

"Yea-yeah" I stuttered giving him way to get in. He sat on my sofa where last time he was napping.

I didn't notice he had a bag in his hand till he kept it on the front table.

"Mum made some cookies. Thought you loved them." He said taking out a box and opening it. The sweet smell instantly reached my nose and I heard my stomach growl.

We chuckled, together.  
Then laughed, together.  
Then awkwardly stopped laughing. Together.

I sat beside him and fished out a cookie from the box.

"The-the choco-chip ones are made by me. I mean I helped mum," He said and I put my previous cookie down to look for the choco-chip ones in the box. The box had at least four different flavours of cookies mixed up.

I took out two choco-chip cookies and gave one to him. I took a bite.

I loved it.

We ate more till we were full, almost half-emptying the box.

 _Say something Harrison!_ I mentally scolded myself.

"So?"

"So?"

We said in unison.

"You say first," I said to him. We shifted to face each other.

"Missed you," Tom said pressing his lips into a thin line, while he fidgeted with his fingers.

I placed my hands on top of his hands, stopping his motions.

"Do you really like me that way?" I asked being serious.

"I really love you that way," His voice sounded confident.

"Why now? All of a sudden? Why not before?" I am sure that my voice was panicky.

"You were pushing me away, Harrison. It was hard for me. I tried to move on but... failed."

The world was spinning again.

"You asked if you could switch roles when we were assigned to be in that play as a couple. You denied its re-screening. You missed the practice sessions.

"I tried my best to make you comfortable. Even if it made me kill all my possibilities to be together with you. But I failed miserably. Just tell me no. Just say no. Tell me that you don't see me anything more than a friend and I promise I will move on.

"But you not saying anything and pushing me away isn't making me move on. Say something Haz. Just say no." He finished but his gaze was still fixed on my eyes. He wasn't giving me a chance to break the eye-contact, waiting for my answer.

But the thing matters the most is that he's right. And I am wrong.

I did push him away and then put all the blame of everything on him.

I...

I think I knew...

I know why I didn't believe in relationships because the thought of being with someone other than Tom was sickening. And I was afraid if Tom and I did somehow magically get into a relationship, what will happen after we break-up?

And the day I realised I liked him more than a friend, I started pushing him away. And he thought he was making me uncomfortable whenever he tried to come closer to me.

_Wow._

Seems like I solved the theory of relativity.

But what happens now?

Is this the moment we kiss?

But what if it didn't work and we broke up?

His eyes were still on me. And they spoke for him. They answered my question.

He'll never leave me.

If he went through all my bullshit till now, he will still stick with me even if the new thing we are going to step into the next minute doesn't work. We were best friends first and nothing can ever break this bond.

I placed my hand behind his neck. He looked at me through his lashes. I could see the rise and fall in his chest and could hear my own heart thumping in my ears. I tiled his head to the side. I attached my lips to his.

I kissed him. And ruffled his curls.

I kissed him again. And he cupped my face in his hands, squeezing my cheeks and pulling my mouth even closer to his (if it was possible in anyway).

I kissed him again and again and again and again.

And he kept kissing me back.

And there was no thumb in between.

***THE END***

**Author's Note:**

> Read my Hollerfield fics on my **[ Wattpad account](https://my.w.tt/Ea9zKZyDr8)**.


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